Thoughts Over Tofu Waffles
by Little Bassoonist
Summary: Rambles in Robin's head after the events of Apprentice in season one.


_Based off of the two-part episode Apprentice._

I hate him.

Can I put it simpler?

I. Dick Grayson. Robin. The kid who used to be running around with Batman. The only person alive who can do a quadruple somersault.

Hate. Want to destroy. Want to watch him suffer in slow agony. To feel extreme enmity towards, as Webster's dictionary so puts it.

Him. Slade, the worst expletive in my vocabulary.

And to think, there was a time when I nearly respected him. The moment my thieving gloved hand gripped the thermal blaster in Wayne Enterprises, endorphins and adrenaline shot through my veins. Thrill. Feeling excitement knowing that I, a Teen Titan, had just stolen a deadly weapon for my worst enemy. So wrong. But it almost felt right?

The millisecond when I had to bow beneath him in weakness, placing myself at his feet, almost seemed to have given up.

I am forever changed by him.

Every time I look at Starfire, I can't help but think off holding the thermal blaster at her face, the red energy radiating onto her skin, seeing the doubt in her eyes. She wanted me to shoot her. She said she couldn't live in a world where we had to fight, and if this is how it had to be.... I get that old feeling of desperation, knowing that hurting her, fighting her, getting close to destroying her, was my only was to save her. The memories of seeing her glowing with pain fiery. All of that when I see her, stare into her bright green (and strangely beautiful, enticing, enchanting) eyes.

Almost losing her, almost killing her, (because even if it wasn't me who pulled the trigger, and she met her end from his lethal probes, I would still have been indirectly responsible) made me realize that a world without Starfire is a world I don't belong in. Made me realize... I might be in love.

But I digress....

The other Titans won't talk about it. They're afraid. They would never admit it, but I can tell. Afraid of what I had become. Afraid to anger me. Afraid to bring back memories we had tucked away in the recesses of our minds.

It's all because, when I worked for him, it became clear that I was stronger than them. I held them off, one against four. They even knew my weaknesses, and I still bested them. That one frightening truth has been hanging over our heads, knowing my will was stronger, that I could attack them and not hesitate, that I could probably fight them all off if I had the whim. I don't need to be an alien, or be half technology, have to morph into an animal, or be part-demon to do that. Maybe that's why I'm the leader.

I think they want to honor me for it. They want to think I'm respectable for doing evil to save them. But what I did deserves no respect. Unless you think I should get a trophy for having my psyche strained near the breaking point.

A small portion of me has questioned why I'm so much like _him_. We both crave power.

We both love control. We both are easily angered, and find our greatest strengths and weaknesses in our fury. We both have troubled pasts. (I was raised in a circus troop, lost my parents as a kid, got taken in by a guy who dresses like a _bat_. He was an army experiment.) And most of all, we both hate to lose.

It's a pride issue, mostly. Losing shows weakness, and weakness is the enemy. Maybe that's one reason why I'm so reluctant to tell Star how I feel about her. Showing any emotion, affection especially, is a red flag to others that I have something that ties me down to this world, that can get to me, that can be used against me. Weakness. I can't have that. I don't even want to know what he would do if he found out about Star.

_Maybe one day you'll even come to think of me as a father._

I told him I already had a father. Bruce... yes, he took me in as his ward. Yes, he helped me become who I am. But I work outside of Gotham now, and I don't need him.

Don't think the thought never crossed my mind. Even after Cyborg's DNA scans, Raven's mental checks, and Star's constant reassurance, I still consider the possibility of him being my father. It is my deepest nightmare, but on occasion the chilling idea resurfaces.

I even confronted Bruce about it once. It took a lot to muster to strength and travel to Gotham. I never told the Titans where I went, but I think they know.

"_How do you know he's not my father?"_

"_The Flying Graysons were the only people in the world who could do a quadruple somersault. Have you ever met another person who could perform acrobatics like you?"_

"_Pure chance."_

"_You met your parents. You can't deny the resemblance."_

"_To my mother, yes. But not my father."_

"_Why would it even matter? You parentage does not direct who you become. Take your friend Raven, for example."_

"_How do you know about Raven?"_

"_You think I'd let you go all this time and not keep an eye on you?"_

No matter how much we have in common, we will always have one major difference. I have friends, who support me no matter what stress I'm under, or what criminals are trying to destroy Jump City. They are there for me, and I'm there for them.


End file.
